Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have fence marks all over my body
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
