This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
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Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
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When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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