Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
