Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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