what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
