got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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