apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
