does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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