why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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