I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
