i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
