i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
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I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
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He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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