the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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