Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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