you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
