sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
