We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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