Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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