Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
