btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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