Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
