you're like a bully in the Christmas story
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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