But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
