He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
