I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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