I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
