pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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