Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
