make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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