I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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