Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize