If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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