If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
