I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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