Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I need to calm my uterus...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
