By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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