I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
