so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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