I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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