can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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