They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
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