Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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