she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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