can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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