you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
