Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We need a shit load of segways right now
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
