My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
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I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
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On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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