His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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