You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
