So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize