Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
time to smoke my breakfast
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
