I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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