My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
