And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
