as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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