this beer tastes like vomit already
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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