Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
