MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
